Lloyd Evans - 12 January 2022 Letter to Dijana
[CONTEXTUAL NOTES] What follows is a cut and paste from a PDF sent out by Dijana to parties outside her marriage on 12 January 2022. The screenshots from the PDF follow this, as well as a WhatsApp conversation with Lloyd, also on 12 January 2022, taken by Dijana's phone. For reasons best known to Lloyd, he did not date this letter like the 16 December 2021 one. The context behind this letter is the discovery on either 8 or 9 January 2022 of yet more pictures on a shared iCloud of Lloyd and other women whilst in Thailand. During a subsequent marriage counselling session on 11 January 2022 with "Susan", a marriage counsellor, Dijana declared that she wanted to pursue a divorce. This letter was written by Lloyd to Dijana the morning after.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The authenticity of this email has been confirmed by former JW Watch Head of Operations Kim Silvio on 14 April 2023. See attached screenshot of email header. The email can be seen as being received from Dijana Evans on 12 January 2022]
It’s the morning after the train wreck the night before so in hopes of making it through the day with some semblance of sanity I thought it might be cathartic to write to you about your decision and say some things I wasn’t able to say in the zoom call.
I want you to know I wasn’t aware that photos are now going directly from my iphone to your computer. I had assumed that if there was still some connectivity with Apple it would be something I need to sort out before flying home.
I’m not ashamed of the photos, despite your apparent efforts to shame me with them during the zoom call with Susan. You knew I didn’t come to Thailand to live as a monk in the jungle. You knew I would be meeting women while I was here, and I have been doing precisely that with my wedding ring on, telling anyone I’ve met that I am currently separated. The goal all along has been to find out what makes me happy and learn whether I can be happy or happier by myself. Living a celibate life and refusing to explore my sexuality would surely be enormously counter-productive to that goal. I think you know this.
The “hotel maid” pictures you referenced were taken with Cara (pronounced “Sara”) who is, at least to my knowledge, not a hotel maid. One of the rare enjoyable moments during my trip was spent with her and her friends. We met for dinner, ate some street food, had some drinks, and played some pool at the bar. All the while she was flirting with me - holding my hand, touching my leg, letting me put my arm around her. Then after walking her back to her hotel with her friends we parted ways. The following day despite her leading me to assume we’d be meeting up again, we didn’t. It was only two days later, hours before her flight back to Bangkok, that I heard from her again over Instagram and by that point the opportunity to spend more time had passed.
I learned a great deal from the whole experience (which was the whole point of coming on this trip). I learned that it is possible for younger women to show an interest in me - something I also experienced in Texas. I learned that’s it’s possible even in my 40s to experience butterflies, or moments of ecstasy, when you meet someone to whom you’re attracted and they start flirting with you (the same butterflies I had when I met you). But as with Texas, these experiences turn out to be fleeting and you’re left as a 40 something overweight blob with the same rejection you routinely faced as a 20-something, lean-but-slightly-ugly bachelor. As nice as the butterflies are (and as lovely as it was to experience them again after all these years) they are no substitute for a meaningful relationship with someone you love and respect.
When we had our WhatsApp exchange two days ago and you reassured me that I could come home and that “I will always be your family no matter what,” I began to experience my first true, sustained happiness of the trip. Based on what you told me about ENM, i.e. not writing it off altogether but simply being “not sure” about it, I began finally piecing together a plan that I was sure would work based on our previous discussions.
During our exchanges back in Croatia you had indicated that my meeting sex workers was not as hurtful for you as my meeting women in bars during work trips, or online. Sex workers are, after all, there to do one thing and there is zero romance involved. So I was sure you would agree to a new arrangement based on total honesty whereby I come off all dating apps, limit myself purely to occasional porn as a means of satisfying myself sexually, fastidiously behave myself on work trips, and every month or two months (depending on what we agree) head off to Zagreb to meet a sex worker. With counseling, I was sure that system would work. I was excited about a new beginning defined by brutal honesty with no more hiding. More than anything, I was relishing coming home and getting back the loving family environment you and I have worked so hard to build over the years, with everything already calibrated to suit our needs as much as possible. I was even allowing myself to imagine resuming the search for a new home in Istria.
Then, boom! 40 minutes into our relationship counseling session you drop the bombshell that there is no relationship to salvage because you’ve already decided you want a divorce. Dijana, you chose the cruelest of ways to land your punch. Bear in mind I’ve already been before in a situation where I’ve been made to dredge up deeply personal things about my personal life under the guise of being helped or “counseled” - and that was in my judicial committee in 2009. I’ve dragged myself through the same humiliation by describing this part of my life in my book, risking (and receiving) harassment in so doing, purely because I didn’t want there to be any skeletons in the closet that could later be used against me. Now here I am in 2022 and for your own benefit you are dragging me through the humiliation all over again - making me confide in a total stranger under the false assumption that she would help me restore my relationship with you, only to render the entire exercise pointless because you were only using it as theater to dramatically blow our relationship out of the water.
Maybe, like you say, you are doing us both a favor. If I am being completely honest, there were elements of our relationship that I found troubling aside from the sexual incompatibility and this entire episode has brought some of those issues to light. You CAN be controlling and manipulative. You DO sometimes twist my words and try to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me when there isn’t. There is example after example of this in the letter you sent on December 15th, which you didn’t seem to appreciate me debunking the next day. You never apologized for that letter and I didn’t demand an apology because I could see it was a stressful situation for both of us and maybe you were simply confused rather than being intentionally hurtful and misleading. But in the context of what happened last night and some of the things you said in front of Sue (who seemed every bit as surprised at your deception as I was) a pattern is emerging of someone who does try to demean me, oversimplify incredibly nuanced matters, and spin or mischaracterize words and actions to suit her narrative.
In spite of all my misgivings I would still come home if there was the smallest shred of willingness on your part to fight for our relationship, which I assumed to be the case when you agreed to hiring a relationship counsellor (how naive of me!).
What we had wasn’t perfect, but it worked. It provided a stable, loving environment for two beautiful girls to flourish in. It gave us some amazing memories on the coast during family holidays. It gave us movie nights in Zagreb with long, enjoyable conversations in the car there and back. It gave us the promise of progress; of building a bigger and better future for the next generation. I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could, because apart from the sexual compatibility issue and an uneven work-life balance on my part everything was perfectly calibrated to our liking. If all of this is to be squandered over what I occasionally do with my penis, let the record show that this was your decision, not mine. And this means YOU need to be the one to break Jessica’s heart this time, like I had to do at Banovac when she learned that I was going away, by telling her that her daddy is no longer coming home on the 18th as I promised her just a few hours before the call.
[WHATSAPP CHAT] Lloyd's words in white, Dijana's in green. 12 January 2022.
[PDF SCREENSHOTS OF THE 12 JANUARY 2022 LETTER]