Here are a few key links and files to use when verifying any allegations against Mr Evans. To try and be as fair as possible we're including an embedded YouTube video provided by The Vast Apostate Hour of Mr Evans' infamous livestream where he actually confirms the truth of the allegations Kim Silvio made against him. Please take time to look over the other sites linked to below the video, especially the JWN forum where you can read Mr Evans posts and topics just as he left them (he was posting as John Cedars back then).
TRANSCRIPT
Big thanks to Tonus OH who's gone to the trouble of meticulously transcribing this video. We hope you didn't suffer too much pal.
00:00 - 00:25 Waiting to start
00:25 - 01:29 Lloyd talks but there is no audio
01:29 - 01:48 Lloyd tries to get the audio working
Can you hear m--
Can you hear me now? God. Can you hear me now? I'm gonna have to edit everything that I've just said for the last minute or so, because there was no sound and no one can hear it, anyway. Anyway, what was I saying? I have to gather my thoughts all over again. I said I've been dragged kicking and screaming onto YouTube. I've had to curtail my break or interrupt my break out of necessity, due to a massive invasion of my privacy and betrayal of my confidence. That's what's happened. Because the stuff I'm going to share with you now, I've titled the video as closely as I think I should.
Who is entitled to this sort of information? Who is? I think when you're raised as a Jehovah's Witness... this is what I said in my taking a break video, in which I specifically asked for privacy, I think repeatedly. Could be wrong, but I certainly put emphasis on that. I asked for privacy and... I can't even get my thoughts straight. I asked for privacy and I confided in a trusted friend (then a trusted friend)...
Double voice. why is it the audio's still wrong? God, why is nothing working? Feedback issues. How do I even fix that? I'm already wearing headphones. I don't even want to be doing this video and I'm having technical problems to think about. "It's perfect," says Delora, "we can hear you perfectly." It's a video I don't want to make, and apparently the technical... there are technical issues I need to be thinking about.
So I've been running up and down stairs for the last couple of hours transferring my equipment to my kitchen because the bunker is non-operational at the moment. Apparently the internet no longer works in the bunker. No matter. Even my phone hotspot doesn't work in the bunker anymore and it used to. So the kids are downstairs being looked after by Dijana's parents. Dijana is at college this evening, and she's asked me to say as little about her as possible. And while this should be my break --while I should be having time off-- again, I've been dragged kicking and screaming onto YouTube to talk about my personal life, because a friend who I confided in has decided that I am some kind of super villain.
I haven't raped anyone. I haven't committed any kind of sexual offense. I haven't covered up child abuse. I haven't arranged for families to be separated or shunned. I haven't murdered anyone. No seal cubs have been bludgeoned by my hand. No cats have been run over knowingly by me. But Kim Silvio --retired lawyer, former JW Watch team member-- has decided that my private life needs to be known by everybody. And so Kim Silvio has posted --I mean made a post on reddit it seems, or at least someone pretending to be Kim Silvio has made a post on reddit-- which, to the credit of the moderators, has been taken down. But not before it could deliver its payload. Not before it could grossly invade my privacy, and my family's privacy. My wife's privacy. My children's privacy. 'Cause they're gonna grow up eventually, and they're gonna want to know what's on the internet about their daddy.
I'm not gonna lie viewers; I can't imagine feeling that much different if my home had been burgled and I'd been held at gunpoint while my personal possessions were rifled through by total strangers. I can't imagine feeling that much different than I feel now. It's the feeling of being abused. For me, abuse --and I'm not talking about child sexual abuse, that's something completely different-- but in its purest form, to abuse someone is to do something to them that they absolutely don't want you to do that will have far-reaching implications on them, and that can never be undone. It can never be fixed. You can never undo it and you're doing it to them anyway, knowing --knowing!-- what the ramifications will be. If I had to condense the word abuse into a definition, that would be my definition and that's how I feel. That's how I feel so...
Oh god, the camera's switched off. Yeah, what I most need. When I most need my equipment to work, apparently it shouldn't. Apparently, it can't. Is it back? I think it is.
Okay, where do I begin? Well, let's start at the very beginning. So again this is all stuff that I shouldn't have to share with anyone. I'm not in a judicial committee meeting. I'm not sat in front of three elders. It's nobody's business. It just isn't. But, apparently you all need to know what I do with my dick. That's what all of this boils down to: everyone... the world needs to know what what I do with my dick.
So --as I've written about in my book-- like many who were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses, I was subjected to sexual repression. Like many of you watching, I was told you're not allowed to wank. You're not allowed to be gay. You're not allowed to have sex outside of marriage. Oh, and by the way, if you do get married you're not allowed to get married to someone who isn't a Jehovah's Witness. Oh, and just another little caveat on this list: no porn. You know? So, what that does is it alters who you are as a person and it deprives you of understanding and exploring a fundamental part of your psychology. It attaches an off switch to something that should permanently be on. Namely, your sexuality.
And it impacted me in ways I tried to explain in The Reluctant Apostate, my book. It also impacted my relationships. Not just before Dijana but including Dijana. And it led --and I'm going to try to talk about Dijana as little as possible because she specifically said she knows I'm doing this live stream she specifically said talk about me as little as possible-- but it led to Dijana and I getting married knowing very... knowing not as much about each other as we probably would have liked to know now. I think that's fair to say. Certainly without having sex.
And due to I... I've and I... going back like before I got married with all of this sexual oppression being imposed on me, I found my own way of dealing with things. I kind of skirted as close to the line as I possibly could without getting disfellowshipped, you know?
Oh now the camera's gone again. Thank you. It's back again.
I skirted as close to the line as I could, and I write about all of this in The Reluctant Apostate. Not because I had to. I didn't write about all my sex life in The Reluctant Apostate because I had to. I did it because I knew that some Jehovah's Witnesses --namely the judicial committee and members of my family, etc-- knew stuff about me and I didn't want there to be any skeletons in my closet. Any skeletons at all. I didn't want there to be anything anyone could hit me with or weaponize against me at some future date.
So I wrote about my sex life --or I described some of these issues in The Reluctant Apostate-- just to, you know, just to mitigate against anyone who might want to rake up dirt on me in the future. And I talked about the fact that when we moved to Croatia, it was because Dijana had discovered me chatting with girls online --and when I say girls I mean women-- women online.
And it led to a situation where, you know, our marriage was in turmoil and we decided we wanted a fresh start, and we moved to Croatia. And it was moving to Croatia that led to me waking up, because I was disconnected from the constant flow of propaganda due to the language barrier. And I, you know, the channel I have... if you think about it ironically, the channel is here, the channel exists and Lloyd Evans as an activist exists because I am seriously messed up sexually.
And now the camera's gone again.
Everything that you have seen on the channel --everything, every information I've produced or all the work I've done, if you think about it-- stems from my sexual repression and how how messed up I was. Because I learned to cope with being repressed by going online; by watching porn and by going on chat sites. And I hoped --I really, really hoped-- that when I got married everything would be normal; I wouldn't need porn, I wouldn't need chat sites, I wouldn't need any of that, and it would be enough. That my wife would be enough, and the weird thing was that's not how it worked.
And I hoped I'd drawn a line under it when I moved to Croatia. I certainly hoped I'd drawn a line under it when I wrote The Reluctant Apostate. But it turned out I hadn't. It turned out that my relationship with Dijana, despite giving me so much goodness --she's a wonderful, wonderful woman. I don't deserve her quite frankly-- despite there being so many good moments, good memories, and good things about our relationship, there were things about...
Now the camera's gone again.
...there were things about our relationship that just didn't work. And I think to a degree we both tried to paper over the cracks.
I'm really, really distracted by the... okay I'm going to turn off my mic because apparently I have double voice? I can't tell you how... oh does that work? audio is good? audio is fine? "No, I can hear you clearly," says Sandra.
[Andrew Shenton: no. need to tell us anymore.]
Thank you, Andrew. Apparently, I do. Apparently, I do, according to a retired lawyer in Australia. Apparently, I do.
[Leica Fox: Your audio is good]
"Your audio is good." Thank you, Amanda. Again a video I don't want...
17:38 audio cuts out
17:38 - 20:30 Lloyd talks, realizes audio is out, tries to get it back
Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? "Yes." So this mic is apparently glitchy. So screw that, and at least if you can hear me I don't have to worry about backtracking on anything. 1,534 viewers? Everyone likes a bit of gossip, don't they? You're all sick as far as I'm concerned.
[Jason Bartlett: it's better with that mic]
"It's better with that mic," says someone on Facebook. Yeah, it's not though, is it? Because the mic keeps glitching out. I'd rather --actually, especially for this particular video-- i'd rather not have to backtrack constantly.
[Gabriel Morales Gonzalez: Please Lloyd. Just stop the stream and take a break so you can recover in a healthy way. Do this for your own sake. You do not need to explain anything to us viewers. Try to recover Lloyd.]
21:41 - 23:16 audio cuts out, Lloyd talks, finally realizes audio is out
Right so for some reason... Ohh! I wonder if it's being tampered with. Because someone else has access to my stream yard who is friend --I don't want to start any... I should probably leave it there-- but it's interesting how... no surely not. Someone else has access to my stream yard and they're connected to Kim. And I really, really hope that they're not sabotaging it by muting my microphone. Fucking hell. Again, I don't want to be doing it. Now it's fine. Okay. Well, I just need to keep my eye on the mute button, and if it ever mutes by itself I need to unmute it.
God, there's going to be so much to edit in this live stream. Can I even be bothered editing it? Do I even want this live stream to be on my channel? No, I don't. So I can't even remember what I was saying. Yeah anyway, I developed ways of coping with my sexual repression that were unhealthy, and these continued on into my relationship with Dijana until --I should add-- very very recently. So, because things were less than ideal in my marriage, I went outside my marriage. Who with is, again... none of this is anyone's business but there were no affairs. There were none, because I haven't really wanted a relationship with anyone else. I haven't looked for one, but I have looked for sex. Everyone's saying "don't say anything else! don't say anything else!" Apparently, I have to! Apparently, I have to.
I'd love to know what was causing that mute issue. Now it's stopped. Since I've floated the idea that someone who has access to my stream yard --and is friends with Kim-- might have been interfering, it's mysteriously stopped. Isn't that interesting?
So, anyway, all of this came to a head recently. The situation...
Now my camera stopped.
...the situation came to a head very recently when Dijana made a discovery. It was actually following my trip to Austin. I wasn't unfaithful in Austin, but I did... Dijana did see some pictures that caused questions to be asked. That's all I'm going to say about that. And things came to a head and I was forced to be very open with Dijana about the problems in our relationship. And as a result of that I came to the realization --as I said in my taking a break video-- that my life just isn't working because everything was precariously calibrated based on assumptions based on an illusion that I felt forced to perpetuate based on our relationship and, with that kind of gone or compromised, it became a case of what do I even do now?
Right, so...
[Alien Encounters: YOU WERE GROOMING A 14 YEAR OLD]
Seriously, alien encounters, Fuck you! Seriously! "You were grooming a 14 year old." WhOt? WhOt?
I'm really... I'm really... I really despair of exJWs, quite frankly. I feel like, following what Kim Silvio has done, my trust in fellow former Jehovah's Witnesses is minimal. It's down to like one percent battery power. Because this is where... this is what this cult...
And now my camera's frozen again.
...this is what this cult does to people. It makes people... it makes crackpots and damaged individuals... it makes them want me to be a pedophile. They want me to be a pedophile, because they just want me to be destroyed. They resent me in some way. They resent my platform. They resent my audience. They want me destroyed, and to achieve this they will invent anything, whether it's true or not. And it's really, really disturbing.
And my camera keeps going off.
[zappaul123: use a therapist]
"Use a therapist." I am using a therapist.
[Candy Monroe: You really do not need to continue. You are an adult human. It really is no one's business.]
"You really don't need to continue. You're an adult human. It really is no one's business."
[Wasser30 Golden Dragon ($19.99): Lloyd Pls PM me if you need air tickets for you and/ or your family to travel the to anywhere in the world, Come to Texas, it's warmer here. Or go to Vegas, or anywhere you want, You need a vacation (heart emoji)]
"Lloyd please PM me. If you need air tickets for you and your family to travel anywhere in the world. Come to Texas, it's warmer here. Or go to Vegas, or anywhere you want. You need a vacation."
[Original serpent: Stop stop]
"Stop Stop."
[Brandon Halcomb: Quit blaming a victim dude. You cheat on your wife. It isn't about the org. Focus on you and your family.]
Ah! Brandon's got an opinion: "Quit blaming a victim dude. You cheat on your wife. It isn't about the org. focus on you and your family." Yes, I cheated on my wife. But, Brandon... Mister kind of Saintly Brandon who's never done anything wrong in his life and has always had total mastery over his penis... I'm here to tell you that we're all imperfect and we all make mistakes and we all have to deal with fucked up situations to the best of our ability. And my fucked up situation was that I had my sexuality tampered with. And I am by no means proud of what happened and the way things happened. I really, really am not. I hate that I hurt Dijana. I hate it! And I'm not playing the victim here. This is purely about setting the record straight after a friend has betrayed my confidence. I'm not saying 'oh I didn't cheat on my wife, none of this is true blah blah blah.' I'm being totally honest about what happened, and this is how Brandon Halcomb chooses to deal with the situation. This is his hot take. Jesus Christ!
[Efrain Rivera: I avoid ex-dubs 100%]
"I avoid x dubs 100%" With you there. With you there.
[John RN ($20.00): we still support you. Therapy helps.]
Thank you very much, John.
[Hillary Wallace: It's a troll Lloyd. People are taking advantage of this. You really do need a lawyer, this could get very bad very fast.]
Hillary says "it's a troll Lloyd. people are taking advantage of this. You really do need a lawyer, this could get very bad, very fast." Well, that's exactly why, Hillary. I'm jumping on YouTube and telling 1,930 odd people --according to the figure I have in front of me-- stuff about my private life that's no one's business, because I want to nip it in the bud. I don't have anything to hide and I'm trying to kind of move my way through everything, so that no one has any questions anymore.
[Jen Tarnasky: Lloyd, I honor you as a fellow human. We all fail, even miserably sometimes. Take some time. You owe no explanations to us. Sending healing energy your family's way.]
Jen says "Lloyd I honor you as a fellow human. We all fail, even miserably sometimes. Take some time. You owe no explanations to us. Sending healing energy your family's way." The problem at this point is I just don't trust that I'm being streamed anymore because it keeps cutting out.
[Cappytan ($20.00): I will never regret retiring from activism because of these exjw types you're referring to, Lloyd. You should do what's best for you. Your body of work will speak for generations.]
Cappytan says "I will never regret retiring from activism because of these exJW types you're referring to, Lloyd. You should do what's best for you. Your body of work will speak for generations." Thank you.
[Melissa Nav (£17.99): I don't see how the fact that he made a mistake, undermines all the job he has done and is doing. Whatever happens in his private life is private and has nothing to do with what he does and how many people he has helped.]
Melissa Nav says "I don't see how the fact that he made a mistake undermines all the job he has done and is doing. Whatever happens in his private life is private and has nothing to do with what he does, and how many people he has helped." Thank you.
God, I just... I'm so annoyed at this... at the technical issues I'm having. I really do apologize everyone. Again it's not a video I want to make, anyway.
So, anyway, long story short, I have this kind of crisis where everything that my life is, is suddenly in doubt. And I don't know what's happening with my marriage. I don't know what's happening with my family, and I need a break. And I said --and it's true-- for mental health reasons. And I also said in the video, please don't go thinking that this is just about Lloyd making lots of propaganda videos and it's worn him out. That's not the reason. That's what I said, yeah? So, to the extent I've been scrupulously honest with everything that I've said to everybody. I just haven't shared information that's nobody's business, but mine and my family's.
At the time all of this happened --specifically on, I think, the 16th of December-- I had a WhatsApp... sorry a Zoom call...
Can you even hear me?
...a Zoom call with two team and two JW Watch team members, neither of whom are any longer with JW Watch. One was Producer Bob and the other was Kim Silvio. And I shared everything that I've just shared now with them. I told them everything that I've just told nearly 2,000 people who are currently watching this live stream. Dijana and I are having massive problems. It's caused by sexual incompatibility issues due to the fact that we never, you know, we've had problems in that area that have come to light due to the fact that I've been unfaithful and Dijana has found out.
And so we had all of that conversation and I was really touched that both Producer Bob --I've got to be very careful to call her Producer Bob and not use her real name-- both Producer Bob and Kim Silvio were massively understanding in the Zoom call, so they were super understanding.
And I said to them I need to get away. I need to, for reasons I won't go into, I decided that I needed to go away by myself and figure things out and figure out what I wanted. Quite frankly, I wanted to know whether I could be by myself. I wanted to know whether it was even possible for me to exist without without my marriage...
Now the camera's cut out again.
...I wanted to know whether it was even possible for me to exist without my marriage and without everything that I have. So I got on a plane and I fucked off, you know? And I went to Thailand for three weeks. And it took a while by the way to arrange it, because thailand has quite stringent COVID entry requirements, as they should. And throughout all of that time I was in communication with Producer Bob and Kim Silvio. And again they were very, very supportive.
And I'm going to start reading. I'm not going to share screenshots. I'm going to tell you things that were said. This is a message (I like this one) from Kim Silvio when I was having technical problems with the the Thai website: "LOL I just logged in to the Thai website. just to stickybeek and see their rules. The app is working on the shitty aussie internet. If you get stuck I can help! Go the aussie internet!" So there's Kim Silvio offering to help with arranging for me to go to Thailand.
By the way I'm really not the sort of person who discusses private messages, but I just want... first of all my privacy has been grossly invaded and I just want to give you all context just to show the u-turn that the Kim Silvio took um regarding the taking the break video --okay?-- which subsequently Kim Silvio maintains was in some way misleading. I let Kim Silvio listen to the audio of the video, and I have here in front of me the WhatsApp message. "Listened to your audio. Very well done and very emotional to do, I'm sure!" To which I replied "thanks, Kim. Yes it kept it simple and I'm glad I held it together. I'm glad you're happy with it." To which Kim replied "it's lovely."
Cameras out again?
Now the next message is... and I'm only sharing this because Kim Silvio is also now denying that there was any mental health component to any of this. So, apparently, according to Kim Silvio, I've been misleading people by saying it has anything to do with mental health. And this is going to be difficult for me to read, because these are messages I sent on the WhatsApp on new year's eve when I was suicidal.
"Four in a bit hours to New Year's Eve in Patong where the party is. Just overwhelmed more than ever by how pointless it all is. Closer to the abyss than ever. But don't worry I'm too much of a coward to do anything because I love Dijana and the kids." To which Kim Silvio replied "no matter how close the abyss looks, there is always a point: your beautiful girls. You are not a coward. It takes great courage to reflect and make changes, but it's worth the effort."
And I replied "I can't change reality. Reality is that life is shit. I can only hope to teach myself to ignore that again." God, I hate reading this. I've probably mixed up the order. Oh god. It's missing. Sorry. Can you just give me a moment to compose myself? I want to read everything properly, because Kim Silvio is a retired lawyer, and I want to make sure everything is accurate.
So the next message from is from me: "At an empty restaurant now, but heading to the bar to see through New Year's Eve, then plan to head home with some edibles. Cannabis." Maybe that's something I'm also a villain for. To which Kim replied "well that's a plan! Hang in there the dark time will pass. I will say Happy New Year, as it's nearly midnight here and I am very drunk." That's from Kim.
Occasionally, I would send photos from Thailand showing where I was. One message from Kim "OMG! That looks so beautiful! Relaxing. Much nicer than lining up for a COVID test in Australia!" All of this will make sense when I read you what she posted on reddit later. So this was on the day... I think the first... sorry, it might have been the second of January...
Is the audio back?
...second of january, I think this was. "By the way, I'm going to bring my 'I'm Taking a Break' video forward, so it plays about four hours from now. It was going to go up later, but I want to see the first few reactions before I sleep." Kim Silvio: "Okay. Thanks for the heads up. I'm sure the reaction will be much like the Patreon reaction." To which I replied "I hope so. The patrons have been amazing. So have you. I'm so moved by the support." To which Kim Silvio replied... And reading this it just feels like the knife being twisted into my back but I want you all to have the context.
"I've always told you that your work means so much to people, and that your work is an amazing legacy, making your life and contributions so worthwhile. I hope this experience has cemented the fact that people appreciate you and what you do for others. Life is never perfect, and we can never have exactly what we want. You have helped so many to improve their lives. I'm sure your audience will be happy to give you time to reflect and sort out the areas of your life that you would like to improve."
So this is the sort of language that Kim Silvio was coming out with, I'm gonna say days if not weeks after i'd shared everything that I've shared with you. And in the aftermath of my darkest time on this planet, when I really, really did feel like, you know... that life is completely pointless. Which I still grapple with, to be honest.
[E.D: As someone who has cheated throughout his 16 year marriage and had affairs and many sexual indiscretions. Doing this is freeing!.... It's not an excuse. It's an explanation]
So I reply to that last message "I want to believe that. But I'm also mindful that I'm in a community of people who are trying to leave behind an incredibly judgmental mindset. And some will do so more successfully than others. For example..."
Right... full disclosure: I was pissed at Javi for going quiet on me during this period, because Javier Ortiz is basically my best friend. And, for whatever reason, he kind of went quiet during this whole period, and it perplexed me. So I bitched about him a little bit. But I just want to say, for the record: he's since been amazing, okay? But at the time I wasn't happy.
"For example, Javi doesn't know as much detail as you both but he's been very sporadic in whatever interest he's shown in my situation. I sense I'm letting him down in some way. I'm sure if that's the reaction of what I assume to be a close friend, others will be similar." I'll actually read you his message that he sent me before this live stream, before it ends. Please remind me.
To which Kim Silvio replied "the community doesn't need to know your personal business. If the public knew the conduct of some lawyers and barristers I know, there would be a public hanging in Martin Place. The only people and opinions that matter are yours, Dijana's, Jessica and Julia. Javi may just be processing what you've told him and may not know what to say. He's quite diplomatic unlike Producer Bob and I, who just say what we think. Usually uncensored." so this is another message...
Oh, now it's gone dark again. Wait for the camera to come back on...
"I still have..." this is from me. "I still have no clue..." And by the way, this was called The Meltdown Support Group or The Meltdown. I'm dealing with a lawyer, so I need to be ultra careful. It's called... yeah, it was literally called The Meltdown Support Group. So, not just the unfaithfulness support group or the prostitutes sex workers support group or whatever. It was literally called The Meltdown Support Group, because I was --and am-- having a meltdown.
And in it I said... let me find the message... "I still have no clue what the next chapter of my life will look like in practice, but I know I love my two girls and want to stick around for them. I know my work helps people. I know I love Dijana even though there are obvious problems in our relationship. It's all so complicated, but hopefully I'll get there."
I feel like I just have to wait every now and then for the thing to come back on.
And to that, Kim replied "that's a lot. I think that there are sunny days ahead. I'm sure no matter what happens with you and Dijana, you will both love those girls and do your best to raise them well together or apart. No quick decisions are needed. Just enjoy the space to clear your head, and the answers will come." To which I replied, "thanks Kim. I really hope so. You're certainly being a massive help. So thank you." She was being a massive help at that point. It literally... it went... it was a total u-turn. It was literally, one day she was being really, really helpful and then she flipped to being super unhelpful, and finally we are where we are now.
I'm gonna skip to the part where it all goes bad. Actually, I will just read this this comment, because I was discussing with Kim one or two on reddit who were really kind of jumping on me and wanting to drag me down over whatever's happened in the past that they don't like. And Kim said, "it's ironic isn't it. They want to take the tower down but in fact they would have taken you down; a person who has easily gotten out the most people from the organization. They are just assholes. You do so well ignoring them on the regular. They don't deserve your emotion. It also reminds me of a saying that you like and I'm changing to fit the now: the bunker will provide plenty of time for exJW bllshit. Please try and relax and refresh." So that was another supportive message from Kim Silvio.
Where it all changed was when --and I'm not going to name him-- but there was an individual who attempted suicide around about New Year's Eve. I don't know the exact date or time, but an individual attempted suicide who was an exJW, and it all happened on Twitter. So it was very public, and people were very, very concerned about this individual, and the the police were contacted. And eventually, the police met up with this individual and, as far as I know, gave him the assistance he needed. Or he's since been receiving assistance. So, this happened on Twitter and this is the message that I woke up to in Thailand.
I'm gonna wait for the camera to come back on because it's super distracting.
"After he saw your distress on social media, he became distressed and attempted suicide. He is okay, thank goodness. His choices are not your fault AT ALL, Lloyd." "AT ALL" is in capital letters. "However, I want you to know --as people think the world of you, and whether you like it or not, they look up to you-- people have no idea what is going on in your life. They hear 'mental health' and can automatically relate and associate their issues with yours. They can also think 'well, if Lloyd can't do it, what's the point of me even trying?' and then things like last night can happen. Is it fair to you? No. Is it reasonable that people should view you this way? No. Should people hold you in this regard and have such expectations? No. Does it happen? Yes. It happens, therefore it's relevant. I gather this message may make you angry. However I cannot stand by..."
I'm gonna wait for the camera to come back on.
"I gather this message may make you angry. However, I cannot stand by and watch this happen without having my say. You are an advocate. People care about you. You give people hope. People look up to you." And then, in capital letters, Kim has written "GET THE FUCK OFF SOCIAL MEDIA..." end capital letters "...or tell people exactly what's going on so they understand and don't conclude that they are, quote, 'feeling the same as you!' End quote, exclamation mark."
So you can imagine how I felt, waking up to this message and essentially being told 'you're not responsible for an ex...'
I'm going to wait for the camera to come back on.
You can imagine how I felt being told 'you're not responsible for an exJW attempting suicide, but you sort of are.' That's kind of how I read this. Maybe I'm, maybe it's just me, viewers. But that's how I read this. I was in the midst of a meltdown. Still am. In the midst of a mental health crisis. Still am. Had recently been suicidal and someone in my meltdown support group was, number one, ordering me what to do. Number two, suggesting I might need to divulge private information about myself. And, number three, suggesting --or at least implying-- that I need to think about other people's mental health. And if someone attempts suicide due to what they have or haven't seen me say in a video, that's my fault. That's how I read this. So I replied...
And now the camera's frozen again.
...so I replied, "I don't like being ordered around like this, Kim. Not only am I in no way responsible for what Adam did, but also it's not like I've been posting about my problems in real time. I will stay the fuck ON social media, thanks, and continue to post responsibly. What you're essentially advocating for is for mental health to be a taboo, and that the bigger your audience is, the more you need to shut up about it. It's a shame you see it that way, but I disagree." So that was my initial reaction. And my responses became increasingly diplomatic as the conversation continued.
But that was the turning point. I was ordered off social media by Kim Silvio. I didn't take that advice and subsequently --I think the next day-- Kim Silvio and Producer Bob --who is good friends with Kim Silvio-- both quit JW Watch.
I have to say it really, really messed with my head, because at the time I was still reeling from this existential situation I found myself in on New Year's Eve. And then someone goes from calling me to see how I am, and being in regular contact, and being very friendly and reassuring, to abandoning me. Not just quitting the team and everything. But literally just having nothing to do with me. It was a real... even to this day, the way it all went down, it's a real mind fuck, you know?
It makes me think well, who can I trust? You know, if someone can be saying all of the things that Kim Silvio was saying and then do an absolute 180, who can I work with, now? Who's safe to work with? Who's safe to confide in, now? No one! No one is. No one is. So, with all of that context I'm now going to read... I'll just pause for comments.
[Rachel Exjw: you hit out at her and pushed her away!]
"You hit out at her and pushed her away!" No, I disagreed. I didn't accept the recommendation. What a weird thing!
[ApostaBabe Linda James: Shut up about mental health? Most of us deal & struggle with this, right? Why not share when in it?]
Apostate... Apostababe Linda James says "shut up about mental health? Most of us deal and struggle with this, right? Why not share when in it?" This is, I think what, what really... what I really struggle with here is this whole notion that, if you have an audience you're almost not allowed to have a mental health crisis. And if you do have such a crisis, you need to do it gracefully. You need to do it in a, like, a PR-friendly way, you know? That was very much the impression I was given, by the way Kim Silvio processed everything and framed her recommendation.
[Nate S: Between the comments in the comment section and hearing what these people have said to you I feel like I am back in a Kingdom Hall and I left that shit 25 years ago]
Nate says "between the comments in the comment section and hearing what these people have said to you, I feel like I am back in a Kingdom Hall. And I left that shit 25 years ago." I know! I know. ExJW's are fucked up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just true. It's true, we all are. We all are. But when you're an exJW --or when you are a JW-- you think everyone else's business is yours, and sex is a massive scandal. Sex is... yeah, it's just this thing where if you do anything outside of what the organization expects, you're worse than a pedophile. That's how it is, isn't it?
Take a few more comments. I can't believe there's 2,300 people watching this. This is not good... good YouTube. It just isn't, is it? God.
[Ashley Barbey: I [personally have had mental issues and it was very comforting to hear when people shared their experiences. Do what is best for you.]
Ashley says "I personally have had mental issues and it was very comforting to hear when people shared their experiences. Do what is best for you." Thank you, Ashley.
[Annette Knudson: You have done NOTHING wrong! This is life we are living not some fairy tale! HUMAN BEINGS are allowed to "take a break" and I for one thank you for just letting us know you need or needed a break!]
Annette says "you have done nothing wrong. This is life we are living, not some fairy tale. Human beings are allowed to take a break, and I for one thank you for just letting us know you need or needed a break."
[Duane Sohl: Confide in your family, and your therapist]
"Confide in your family and your therapist." Yeah it's pretty much that now. And Javier. Javier can't.... Javier wouldn't do what Kim did. I don't think anyone would do what Kim did. What what Kim did is really, really messed up.
[Monica Owens: Your honesty about the sexual difficulties in your book resonated with me, and what you're going through now is painful, but common, thanks to the cult.]
Monica says "your honesty about the sexual difficulties in your book resonated with me, and what you're going through now is painful but common, thanks to the cult." Thank you, Monica.
[WheelieMum: You have a lot of support, don't focus on the minority]
"You have a lot of support. Don't focus on the minority." I honestly feel, kind of intuitively, that it's always going to be a minority that obsesses over what people do with their penises or genitals. It's always going to be a minority that that reacts this way. The weird thing about Kim is that, to begin with, she pretended --or maybe did genuinely think-- that everything was fine. But she reacted in such a way to suggest that everything is perfectly fine, and then went nuclear and completely changed her perspective.
Just for seeing what other... yeah, maybe I should just skip to what Kim posted. Let's do that.
So, the post on reddit --which again isn't visible anymore-- here's what Kim... apparently, we're led to assume Kim --who is a retired lawyer, I have to be very, very careful. But at least someone posting pretending to be Kim-- said the following: "Some weeks back Lloyd openly and without warning notified me of his infidelity and engagement with prostitutes on a very regular basis." It was, maybe... I'm gonna say two or three months in between, I would go to sea sex workers. I didn't have an opportunity to do it on a regular basis. I'm not sure I would need to. So that part is factually untrue. And libelous, I'm gonna say.
"Lloyd openly and without warning notified me of his infidelity and engagement with prostitutes on a very regular basis over many years." Many years? I think... I'm gonna say... three or four years. If that's many years, then fine. "...amongst other matters that don't need to be specifically mentioned." Well, this doesn't need to be mentioned does, it? Kim continues, "this was shortly before he notified the community that he would be taking a two-month break from activism to 're-evaluate my life for the sake of my mental health.' This is not correct." Damn well is, Kim. Damn well is. And also you green lighted the video where I said this. You listened to the audio and told me that it was good.
"Lloyd had been in Thailand." Kim offered to help me make arrangements for Thailand.
Now my audio, now my video is frozen again.
"This is not correct. Lloyd had been in Thailand making use of the many different facilities and getting to know the locals. Under th--" apparently, I have to ignore the locals and ignore other tourists when I arrive in Thailand. I had to shun everyone! "Shortly after Christmas, only returning to Croatia a few days ago." I returned on the 19th of january.
"It has often been said that activists are happy for individuals to be Jehovah's Witnesses, providing that they know the whole truth about the organization. Lloyd's subscribers, support team, and patrons are not being given the correct information." No, they're not being given information that they're not entitled to, but they're being given correct information. "There are matters that he does not want the public to know about." Justifiably, Kim. Justifiably. "Wanting rather to maintain a facade that appeals to those concerned." So I'm being shifty. I'm being sneaky. By keeping my personal and private life private, I'm being somehow surreptitious and I'm misleading people, is the suggestion here.
I'll wait for the camera.
"To show his narcissistic behavior, deficit regard for the feelings of others..."
Sorry, I'm gonna wait for my camera to come back on. I'm also going to...
[VGPanda: Oh, so Lloyd Evans is exactly the same thing as the multinational organization WatchTower in control of millions of people. Got it.]
"Oh, so Lloyd Evans is exactly the same thing as a multinational organization, Watchtower, in control of millions of people. Got it." I know! Apparently, I'm on a par with an organization that arranges the mass shunning of thousands of people and the industrial scale cover-up of abuse. That's how bad I am. That's how bad I am for being unfaithful in the mind of Kim Silvio.
"To show his narcissistic behavior, deficit regard for the feelings of others, use of funding generated through his activism work to pay for prostitution --an industry known for the exploitation of women and minors-- a solo non-mental health related trip to Thailand, and failure to be honest in respect to the true reason for his absence would cause reproach to be brought upon his name and therefore must not be spoken about."
So, apparently, I have to account for how I spend my money, when this is my job. So, like, when a doctor receives money for helping people. Apparently, he needs to account for, you know, what holidays he goes on. How he spends his money in his private time, because he's helping people. Apparently... Oh, no, sorry, he doesn't. Apparently, I owe everybody an explanation for how I spend my wages. You know, it just it boggles my mind!
And surely anyone who sat through the messages that Kim was was sending both before and during my trip in Thailand, you'll see just a total u-turn. She goes from being kind and understanding and compassionate, to literally wanting to destroy me over this and suggesting that I have misled people when I haven't. I haven't misled anyone. I've just kept private things that are private or should be private. "It is hoped that this information will give you the same opportunity that Lloyd gives to all Jehovah's Witnesses about their religion: the truth. You are being deceived by this hypocritical..." That's rich!
"...dishonest and misogynistic man." Apparently, I'm misogynistic. Where did that come from? I'm misogynistic as well, apparently. Do you know why I think Kim has said that? I think she said that because I didn't accept her recommendation to "get the fuck off social media." I think, basically, all of this stems from her feeling put out because I didn't follow her recommendation. And she probably interprets that as misogynistic, because I ignored her as a woman. I don't know. Where does misogynism come into it? It's so bizarre.
"Many times Lloyd has shouted down other activists." I've never called out anyone by name. I've said what kind of activism works and doesn't work. But regarding this channel in particular, I've just kept it all about Watchtower. I think my viewers will agree on that. "...members of our community for not agreeing with him, or as a result of him somehow convincing others that on every single occasion he is questioned, he is the victim. How many activists have stopped their efforts? how many people have been silenced? You would be shocked at how many people have left activism because of him."
Apparently, I'm a detriment to ex-Jehovah's Witness activism. I'm holding it back. "Is it possible for us all to consider that he has manipulated the entire community to see him as the authority, the only opinion that should be considered? Does he have a monopoly on the activism movement?" Never. I don't want to have a monopoly. I've repeatedly said I celebrate other activists. I've brought other activists on the channel, and pointed my viewers to their channels, and urged them to subscribe to other activists. I mean, tell me if I'm wrong here, but it feels like I'm doing everything I can to send the elevator back down. With any opportunity I get, I try to promote other ex Jehovah's Witness voices and get other voices heard, including directing people to other ex-Jehovah's Witness content. So, much of what Kim has said on reddit is unrecognizable from truth and...
I'm gonna wait for the camera.
...and what Kim gets right, she knows because I took her into confidence. And for days --if not weeks-- Kim led me to assume that everything was fine, and there was nothing untoward happening, because there wasn't. It feels as though purely by virtue of the fact that I've disagreed with Kim on something --namely, whether I'm to blame for someone attempting suicide-- it feels like Kim has felt butt hurt, to put it bluntly. And that's caused her to leave. And, maybe with weeks having gone by since then, Kim is scrambling around for other reasons to dislike me or other reasons to destroy me.
Maybe she feels conflicted at the way she abandoned me when I was most in need. When I was at my literally darkest hour in my life. I was dropped, and her solution to the way she feels is to not just throw me under the bus, but to throw my family under the bus. Because this impacts on all of them. And I promised Dijana I would say as little about her as possible, but I will just read one thing she said on on WhatsApp just before I went on YouTube. She said "I will vomit. I will vomit."
That was how Dijana reacted when I sent her the reddit. Because how can I talk about my private life without in some way talking about Dijana's, you know? And how can --I know everyone's been saying oh, you don't owe anyone an explanation, and get off YouTube-- but how can I not answer the head of operations of JW Watch --the legal advisor to JW Watch-- making those sorts of accusations against me? How can I not answer them, you know? I've got to answer them. My subscribers deserve an answer. And my patrons deserve an answer.
So, that's why, even though it's been very, very difficult for me to do this, and I feel like my privacy has been grossly invaded, and I resent being in this situation strongly, I didn't have any choice. Just didn't have any choice.
[Outta Darkness: Please send Dijana my love and support!]
"Please send Dijana my love and support." Thank you, Outta Darkness.
[Stacy Blain: she's basically blackmailed u .. I know loads of jw man that have used sex workers]
"She's basically blackmailed you. I know loads of JW man that have used sex workers." I'm not prepared, for legal reasons, to comment on whether there has been blackmail. But thank you for your comment.
[Freddy Ray: this is a very sad situation. but you are not the first and won't be the last]
"This is a very sad situation. You are not the first, and won't be the last."
[VGPanda: Lloyd has been forced into making the shittiest decision possible here. He didn't just decide to get into this. Someone he trusted -forced- him to.]
"Lloyd has been forced into making the shittiest decision possible here. He didn't just decide to get into this. Someone he trusted forced him to." Yeah. Kim knows what she knows because I took her into confidence. And that... I'm sure I said during the zoom call that, you know, this obviously stays between us, you know? And, to Producer Bob's, credit... I should have actually seen the warning signs. Because when they both quit I specifically said to both of them, it goes without saying --or words to the effect of it goes without saying-- that you should keep everything that I've shared with you in confidence. Confidential. And to Producer Bob's credit, Producer Bob said absolutely, I'll keep everything in confidence. It should have been a red flag that Kim refused to say that.
[Gloria Mundi: This person doesn't care about your family. That says a lot.]
"This person doesn't care about your family. That says a lot." Yeah. It's... everything impacts... if it were just impacting me, my feelings on this whole situation would be completely different. If it were just about me, and what I do with my dick, who cares? But it impacts Dijana. It impacts seven-year-old Jessica and it impacts two-year-old Julia. It impacts all of us. It even impacts my in-laws downstairs, who are currently looking after our two children.
[Michelle Taylor: I'm so sorry for everything you and your family are going through.]
Michelle Taylor says "I'm so sorry for everything you and your family are going through."
[Tom Hunter: What were the accusations?]
"What are the accusations?" I've just read them all. I don't... I've just read a screenshot that was sent to me. Maybe there was more. But those are the accusations that I can see.
[Its Me: This is so upsetting]
"this is so upsetting," says Its Me.
[Ross Red: I don't care how you spend your money, Iam nobody to judge, you Will always have my support. This have nothing to do with your activism.]
Ross Red says "I don't care how you spend your money. I am nobody to judge. You will always have my support. This have nothing to do with your activism." Yeah, I mean, what do I need, to give receipts? You know, do I need to run... if I buy a new fridge? Or a new tv or a new playstation? Do I need to get permission from my patrons first? Either it's my job or it isn't.
And how I spend my wages is no more anyone's business than how anyone spends their wages. It's either my job or it isn't. Period. If there were strings attached, and I had to account for how I spend my money that I've earned through my work, then I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. And I don't want anyone to be a patron who thinks that I owe that kind of level of detail.
[Leica Fox: It makes sense Lloyd needs to answer this statement.]
"It makes sense, Lloyd needs to answer this statement." Thank you, Amanda.
[ex tjgirl: Welcome to the world Lloyd. You have my support and hope you will be able to save your marriage. Dijana seems to be a wonderfull woman. I believe she might forgive you but it will take time]
"Welcome to the world, Lloyd. You have my support and hope you will be able to save your marriage. Dijana seems to be a wonderful woman. I believe she might forgive you but it will take time." I will just say that... Oh god!
[Truth Seeker: is prostitution legal in Croatia?]
"Is prostitution legal in Croatia?" This is the burning question, is it, truth seeker? This is the burning question we need to be asking right now. That's the sort of thing that really messes with my head. That people ask that sort of thing.
I will just say --and I promised Dijana I would say as little as possible-- what do I say now? I'm obviously back home in Croatia and things aren't back to normal. Neither myself nor nor Dijana necessarily want things to go back to normal, but we're we're figuring out what's going to happen next. That's all I'll say.
01:24:55 - 01:25:23 Stares at monitor, says nothing.
I don't know what to say now, viewers. 2,468 watching. You all like a good train wreck it seems. Well, here's the the number one train wreck: my life.
[Nome Eldridge: Just watched Kim's YouTube video. She is trying to get people to not support your patreon and YouTube]
Nome Eldridge... 'cause apparently Kim's made a YouTube video now. Who knew that Kim is passionate enough to make YouTube videos all of a sudden? "Just watched Kim's YouTube video. She's trying to get people to not support your patreon and YouTube." Yeah, this is the mindset, unfortunately, that I've been up against from the very beginning. If you don't meet the expectations of certain exJWs, and you don't fulfill their their needs or requests, or you don't agree with them in some way, or you disappoint them in some way, it's not just a case of oh well you go your way i'll go mine, let's agree to disagree. It's I'm going to destroy you. I want you, as an activist, to no longer be a thing. So I'm gonna make that my mission, you know.
Which, really, it says a lot doesn't it? It's quite chilling. She's already done her damage. She's already made... forced me into a situation where I have to talk about incredibly personal things in front of thousands of people on the live stream. Oh, actually, that's not enough. The reddit post isn't enough. I'm gonna jump on YouTube as well. Watchtower's cover-up of child abuse wasn't enough for her to create her own video content. Shunning and the suicide that that causes wasn't enough for her to make her own YouTube content. Lloyd Evans having consenting sex with other adults, that's enough to bring Kim Silvio onto YouTube.
What more do I need to say? That's what I've been up against for years. That sort of mindset. Shame on you. Shame on you, Kim. It was bad enough that you abandoned me when I was at my absolute lowest. That was bad enough. But for you to try to destroy me, even though you clearly were fine with everything, to the point of even offering to help me sort things out on the internet with my entry requirements for Thailand. And now this.
[Kim Silvio: Was I?]
Oh, she's here. "Was I?" Well, you certainly pretended to be... you certainly pretended that you were fine with everything didn't you? You put up a good show. You put up a damn good show, for days or weeks, that you were fine with everything. Not once did you say... you even said that my taking a break video was good. And now this. Isn't it interesting how people can change their minds?
[Kim Silvio: Admit what I said is true]
"Admit what I said is true." I've said exactly what I think about your statement and I've also said what is and isn't true. Because there are things in it that are true and there are things in it that are not true. Bit of both Kim. Bit of both.
[The Faithful & Discreet Dave: What a nerve. She's here?!]
"What a nerve. she's here," says The Faithful and Discreet Dave. Yes. Yes. Completely unhinged, it seems.
[Alison Rockis: Lloyd your work is SAVING lives, including my own]
Alison says "Lloyd your work is saving lives, including my own." Thank you, Alison.
[Steven P Spitzer: Kim you are a snake]
Steven has a comment there.
01:30:24 - 01:30:51 Stares at monitor, says nothing.
I don't know what else to save you. Is 90 minutes probably... is more than enough. And obviously Kim is now weighing in. Because she needs to bring down the supervillain Lloyd Evans, who is as much a threat to the world as a cult that covers up child abuse and separates families and arranges for people... persuades people to die by refusing blood. That's the level of my evil, and we should all thank him Silvio for bringing it to the world's attention. She's done everyone a huge service.
So, that's all I have to say, really. I'm sorry about the technical difficulties, it's been really frustrating, actually. Tibor offered to come before I went on air to sort things out, and I decided to soldier on alone. And now I regret not asking him to come because it's been a massive distraction doing this live stream with all the technical problems. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to have that snake comment on for quite so long.
[Amanda Rodriguez: Wtf Kim?]
[Michelle Taylor: Good question... how can we best help you Lloyd?]
Okay, well that's a good question. "How can we best help you Lloyd?" I guess everyone is being incredibly helpful. I mean there's always going to be a messed up minority. Always. But, I think by and large people understand that nobody's perfect. I've never pretended to be perfect, you know. As to a facade, I mean.... everyone who posts on Instagram, everyone who has a Facebook profile presents a "facade" of their life that isn't necessarily how things are. No one posts themselves on social media taking a dump. No one posts themselves on on social media, you know, having a shag, whether with their significant other or someone else. Everyone puts a curated version of themselves online. Everyone does. Everyone who's on social media.
No one can say, "oh I keep it real on my Instagram. I keep it real on my Facebook. I keep it real on my Twitter." Nonsense. We all put an image of ourselves out there that isn't necessarily how it is, you know? We all... none of us puts ourselves at our worst online. None of us does. So I reject the whole premise that I have presented a facade. Everyone presents a facade. Everyone chooses what they will share or not share. There's nothing surreptitious about that.
It boils down to what people... what are people entitled to know about you? And the things I shared in confidence with Kim, no one was entitled to know. No one was. I think, objectively, we can say that. But I think, for whatever reason, Kim has decided that she needs to destroy me. Which, you know, good luck. Watchtower, I'm sure, would want in on that action. So maybe they can be your sponsor, if they're not already.
But, to Michelle's question: "how can we best help you Lloyd?" Stick around, you know? Bear with me. Be patient, because I like to think I've not made my last YouTube video. I like to think I'll be back at some point. I like to think I'm not going to have to make Tibor redundant, or fire him. He's currently working on The Truth About The Truth documentary. I really hope there's a job for him to go to, once all of this is over. And that will depend on on the reaction. That will depend... is there an audience? Everything's uncertain, I suppose. But if it's within my power, I'm going to carry on. And I just ask everyone to be patient. I'm going to go back into my hiatus now and I'm not going to say anything else. I feel like I've over-shared...
My video's frozen again.
...I feel like I've over-shared already. It's very much a TMI situation, isn't it? I don't... I literally don't have anything to hide anymore. It's quite liberating, in a way. Although, again, I resent being put in this situation.
So yeah, I'll let the audience adjudicate, you know? Are things as grave as as Kim would like you to believe? You know, you be the judge. But, yeah, just be patient, really. And I will close on a really lovely message. I hope Javi doesn't mind me reading it out, because I think it's important to provide balance. Because I was describing before how I felt put out that he'd gone a bit quiet on me at a certain point in this whole story. And he sent a really lovely message just before I came on.
He said "I just want to say, Lloyd: outside of fiddling kids, clubbing baby seals or emptying my pockets, what you do in your personal life doesn't concern me. I'm here. Your friend without judgment. What Kim posted makes me feel really bad for Dijana. Your personal lives are out there like that probably without consent..." definitely without consent "...and I can't begin to imagine how you're both feeling today. I just want to have said that to you. Also please prioritize your mental health and your relationship. I know this seems like a tsunami right now. But please put in the work for yourselves and those beautiful girls you're raising. We didn't escape a fucking cult to spoil on a vine. Life is hard but definitely worth it. Hugs to you, bro."
That's from Javi. I'll take any positivity I can get. But that's all I have for you folks. That's all I have. I won't be posting again, probably, unless there's a, you know, something similarly huge. And I can't see how that could be because, again, I've shared everything. I've over-shared. If you see me again, it will probably be March. But we'll see. And thank you so much to all of the really lovely messages that have been flooding through. I really, really appreciate the support and solidarity and kindness and love and compassion. I'm not perfect, never pretended to be. And I need to work some stuff out. That's all I have for you. Take care everyone.
- END OF TRANSCRIPT-
