- Written by: Nicolette Delacherois
- Category: Evans History
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The following has been derived from a social media post by Kim Silvio on 29 Sept. 2023 as a message from the 7 people known as the "Magnificent 7" that Lloyd Evans is suing, allegedly for "criminal" behaviour.
- Written by: Nicolette Delacherois
- Category: Evans History
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On 2 May 2022, Lloyd Evans filed what he termed as a "criminal lawsuit" against 7 people whom he has labelled as "defendants". These seven people were vocal about his actions in Thailand and his behavior afterwards. It has now been over a year and there still is nothing from the court. The seven parties have not been served or summoned to a hearing. They only know about this case from what Lloyd Evans has posted to social media and has taunted them about. This case is already on its second judge. Meanwhile, Lloyd has continued to label these seven people as criminals, despite there being no rulings to that effect or even a date in court set. Regardless of how you feel about Lloyd and his lawsuit, we would hope everyone would desire a timely conclusion to this matter according to the law. Since Lloyd had claimed he has been defamed. we should all be interested in what a court of law has decided and if these people are indeed criminals. There is a legal standard in many countries as to parties being considered innocent until proven guilty. To label them as criminals without a conviction or even a summons to a court hearing amounts to slandering and defaming them.
This is not an isolated case. Lloyd had earlier in March sent out 12 letters requesting money in exchange for him not suing them. In many jurisdictions around the world, this would amount to extortion to demand money in exchange for not filing charges of a criminal nature.
Simply put: If you firmly believe that the seven people who have been named in this "lawsuit" are guilty of defamation, you should desire that the court rules on this matter without delay. If you firmly believe in their innocence, you should also want this adjudicated soon. The court's decision should be the final answer.
The seven claimed "defendants" are citizens of three different countries. The USA - Kim Brooks, Mike Brooks, Jonathan Burger and Joel Martz. The UK - Marc Latham and Cora Latham. Australia - Kim Silvio.
As a Croatian citizen, Lloyd is protected and subject to that nation's laws. The same applies to the seven people named in the "lawsuit". They are under their own nation's laws, and it is only fair that their embassies are made aware of and are getting assurances of international legal proprieties for their nationals, and this is a matter of not just a man on Twitter tweeting they are defendants and criminals without providing any proof other than his claimed that he is suing them. This case has international implications and it is important that all legalities are followed both per international law and whatever treaties are relevant.
Lloyd’s threats have included continually taunting the targets he has mentioned on social media, assuring them they would need a good lawyer or they could possibly face jail time and similar musings. On September 4th 2022, Lloyd sent out an open letter to Kim Silvio threatening to sue her for the next 40 years of his life, until his death, or until he received a favourable judgment. This behavior is inappropriate and can and will cause many court authorities to consider what this is really about. It's not about justice. It's all about revenge.
In the interest of getting this matter settled one way or another, we would like to encourage people to write their own embassies and alert them to this matter so they can bring it up with their Croatian counterparts. It is our hope that since this case extends beyond the borders or Croatia, these foreign national's embassies and foreign departments should be concerned with a Croatian national suing their own citizens, none of whom have ever visited Croatia. The ultimate goal is to get this case examined by the Croatian authorities and pressure them to ask the Sisak Municipal Court to move on this in a timely fashion.
The case number is K-252/2022. The "Private Prosecutor" is James Lloyd Evans.
Please consider writing or emailing the following embassies:
Thomas Dougherty, ICHIP Attorney Advisor
ICHIP Office U.S. Embassy UI. Thomasa Jeffersona 2 10010 Zagreb
Tel.: +385 1 661 - 2069 e-mail:
British Embassy Zagreb Ivana Lucica 4 10000 Zagreb Croatia
Telephone +385 (1) 6009 100 / +44 20 7008 5000
Australian Embassy - Republic of Croatia Grand Centar, 5th floor Hektoroviceva 2 10 000 Zagreb, Croatia
Telephone: +385 1 4891 200 Facsimile: +385 1 4891 216 Email:
- Written by: Nicolette Delacherois
- Category: Evans History
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Lloyd Evans - 12 January 2022 Letter to Dijana
[CONTEXTUAL NOTES] What follows is a cut and paste from a PDF sent out by Dijana to parties outside her marriage on 12 January 2022. The screenshots from the PDF follow this, as well as a WhatsApp conversation with Lloyd, also on 12 January 2022, taken by Dijana's phone. For reasons best known to Lloyd, he did not date this letter like the 16 December 2021 one. The context behind this letter is the discovery on either 8 or 9 January 2022 of yet more pictures on a shared iCloud of Lloyd and other women whilst in Thailand. During a subsequent marriage counselling session on 11 January 2022 with "Susan", a marriage counsellor, Dijana declared that she wanted to pursue a divorce. This letter was written by Lloyd to Dijana the morning after.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The authenticity of this email has been confirmed by former JW Watch Head of Operations Kim Silvio on 14 April 2023. See attached screenshot of email header. The email can be seen as being received from Dijana Evans on 12 January 2022]
It’s the morning after the train wreck the night before so in hopes of making it through the day with some semblance of sanity I thought it might be cathartic to write to you about your decision and say some things I wasn’t able to say in the zoom call.
I want you to know I wasn’t aware that photos are now going directly from my iphone to your computer. I had assumed that if there was still some connectivity with Apple it would be something I need to sort out before flying home.
I’m not ashamed of the photos, despite your apparent efforts to shame me with them during the zoom call with Susan. You knew I didn’t come to Thailand to live as a monk in the jungle. You knew I would be meeting women while I was here, and I have been doing precisely that with my wedding ring on, telling anyone I’ve met that I am currently separated. The goal all along has been to find out what makes me happy and learn whether I can be happy or happier by myself. Living a celibate life and refusing to explore my sexuality would surely be enormously counter-productive to that goal. I think you know this.
The “hotel maid” pictures you referenced were taken with Cara (pronounced “Sara”) who is, at least to my knowledge, not a hotel maid. One of the rare enjoyable moments during my trip was spent with her and her friends. We met for dinner, ate some street food, had some drinks, and played some pool at the bar. All the while she was flirting with me - holding my hand, touching my leg, letting me put my arm around her. Then after walking her back to her hotel with her friends we parted ways. The following day despite her leading me to assume we’d be meeting up again, we didn’t. It was only two days later, hours before her flight back to Bangkok, that I heard from her again over Instagram and by that point the opportunity to spend more time had passed.
I learned a great deal from the whole experience (which was the whole point of coming on this trip). I learned that it is possible for younger women to show an interest in me - something I also experienced in Texas. I learned that’s it’s possible even in my 40s to experience butterflies, or moments of ecstasy, when you meet someone to whom you’re attracted and they start flirting with you (the same butterflies I had when I met you). But as with Texas, these experiences turn out to be fleeting and you’re left as a 40 something overweight blob with the same rejection you routinely faced as a 20-something, lean-but-slightly-ugly bachelor. As nice as the butterflies are (and as lovely as it was to experience them again after all these years) they are no substitute for a meaningful relationship with someone you love and respect.
When we had our WhatsApp exchange two days ago and you reassured me that I could come home and that “I will always be your family no matter what,” I began to experience my first true, sustained happiness of the trip. Based on what you told me about ENM, i.e. not writing it off altogether but simply being “not sure” about it, I began finally piecing together a plan that I was sure would work based on our previous discussions.
During our exchanges back in Croatia you had indicated that my meeting sex workers was not as hurtful for you as my meeting women in bars during work trips, or online. Sex workers are, after all, there to do one thing and there is zero romance involved. So I was sure you would agree to a new arrangement based on total honesty whereby I come off all dating apps, limit myself purely to occasional porn as a means of satisfying myself sexually, fastidiously behave myself on work trips, and every month or two months (depending on what we agree) head off to Zagreb to meet a sex worker. With counseling, I was sure that system would work. I was excited about a new beginning defined by brutal honesty with no more hiding. More than anything, I was relishing coming home and getting back the loving family environment you and I have worked so hard to build over the years, with everything already calibrated to suit our needs as much as possible. I was even allowing myself to imagine resuming the search for a new home in Istria.
Then, boom! 40 minutes into our relationship counseling session you drop the bombshell that there is no relationship to salvage because you’ve already decided you want a divorce. Dijana, you chose the cruelest of ways to land your punch. Bear in mind I’ve already been before in a situation where I’ve been made to dredge up deeply personal things about my personal life under the guise of being helped or “counseled” - and that was in my judicial committee in 2009. I’ve dragged myself through the same humiliation by describing this part of my life in my book, risking (and receiving) harassment in so doing, purely because I didn’t want there to be any skeletons in the closet that could later be used against me. Now here I am in 2022 and for your own benefit you are dragging me through the humiliation all over again - making me confide in a total stranger under the false assumption that she would help me restore my relationship with you, only to render the entire exercise pointless because you were only using it as theater to dramatically blow our relationship out of the water.
Maybe, like you say, you are doing us both a favor. If I am being completely honest, there were elements of our relationship that I found troubling aside from the sexual incompatibility and this entire episode has brought some of those issues to light. You CAN be controlling and manipulative. You DO sometimes twist my words and try to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me when there isn’t. There is example after example of this in the letter you sent on December 15th, which you didn’t seem to appreciate me debunking the next day. You never apologized for that letter and I didn’t demand an apology because I could see it was a stressful situation for both of us and maybe you were simply confused rather than being intentionally hurtful and misleading. But in the context of what happened last night and some of the things you said in front of Sue (who seemed every bit as surprised at your deception as I was) a pattern is emerging of someone who does try to demean me, oversimplify incredibly nuanced matters, and spin or mischaracterize words and actions to suit her narrative.
In spite of all my misgivings I would still come home if there was the smallest shred of willingness on your part to fight for our relationship, which I assumed to be the case when you agreed to hiring a relationship counsellor (how naive of me!).
What we had wasn’t perfect, but it worked. It provided a stable, loving environment for two beautiful girls to flourish in. It gave us some amazing memories on the coast during family holidays. It gave us movie nights in Zagreb with long, enjoyable conversations in the car there and back. It gave us the promise of progress; of building a bigger and better future for the next generation. I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could, because apart from the sexual compatibility issue and an uneven work-life balance on my part everything was perfectly calibrated to our liking. If all of this is to be squandered over what I occasionally do with my penis, let the record show that this was your decision, not mine. And this means YOU need to be the one to break Jessica’s heart this time, like I had to do at Banovac when she learned that I was going away, by telling her that her daddy is no longer coming home on the 18th as I promised her just a few hours before the call.
[WHATSAPP CHAT] Lloyd's words in white, Dijana's in green. 12 January 2022.
[PDF SCREENSHOTS OF THE 12 JANUARY 2022 LETTER]
- Written by: Nicolette Delacherois
- Category: Evans History
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Here is the copy and paste version:
Thank you for your letter. I’m hoping that by communicating in writing we can make progress that has proven impossible by communicating verbally because it’s clear from your letter that you either haven’t been listening to me or have failed to understand things I have expressed to you every which way, sometimes over many hours of agonizing, emotionally-draining dialogue.
Before I begin, here are some basic definitions so we can be on the same page:
Compulsive behavior: “Compulsive behaviors are actions that are engaged in repeatedly and consistently, despite the fact that they are experienced as aversive or troubling.” (Psychology Today)
Gaslighting: “Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. It is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to wonder if they are losing their sanity.” (verywellmind.com)
“The core issue is trust that has diminished, and trust is essential foundation for ENM.”
I strongly disagree. I have repeatedly given you the reasons why I betrayed your trust. I felt trapped in a situation where there was no easy way out. I didn’t want my marriage to end and be faced with the prospect of being without my children if I were honest about the lack of sexual compatibility between us. (Exactly the turmoil we are facing now.) I was also mindful of the importance of my work and not wanting it to be disrupted in any form. So I found a balance that, though dysfunctional, at least kept things ticking over pretty well.
I hate that it involved lying, but I honestly saw no other option in order to fulfill both our needs and those of the children. Ever since the discovery of the photos I have been impeccably honest with you. There have been some questions from you that have been overly invasive and not something I’ve felt comfortable talking about or divulging at a given time (“Show me what porn you enjoy!”) and I made it clear from the beginning that I wouldn’t be going into details about all sexual encounters outside of our marriage. But aside from that I have been incredibly honest with you, even to the point where I have been pushed well and truly past my comfort zone in what has been divulged.
Our “core issue” is not trust. As I see it, our core issue is:
● Our relationship is sexually incompatible
● I have a greater need for sex in my life than you do
● You are not ready (and apparently will never be ready) for an ENM open marriage
“Over the years I tried to ignore my instincts, my gut and all the little signs. It never left me that feeling that something was off, but for the sake of our family happiness I tried to ignore it.”
Thank you for admitting that to at least some extent you too were involved in a deception and saw the need to perpetuate a dysfunctional personal relationship for the greater good of our family - at least up until now. This means you should be able to relate to the way I handled matters at least on some level.
“Only other day in the car we were talking about liars and I believe you remember what you said about liars and hypocrites. You can’t skip over 15 years of lying in matter of few days.”
I have explained the reasons for my lying, both verbally on multiple occasions and above. I deeply regret my lies and the fact that I felt forced to lie, but I believe you are referring to me talking about the lies of the Governing Body and how easily they unravel on closer scrutiny. My lies resulted in you being emotionally wounded, something I deeply regret. The lies of the Governing Body result in millions of people wasting their lives in a cult, in the cover-up of child sexual abuse, and in people dying through refusing blood. Context and not sensationalizing matters is very important when navigating what is happening in our relationship.
“…the trust was vanishing with each little clue I found, and you telling me it is all in my mind, or there is nothing going on.”
Some of your paranoias are/were genuinely in your mind. It’s important to remember that you are a naturally paranoid person. You are paranoid about mice. You are paranoid about electricity (for understandable reasons). You are paranoid about letting me go up ladders. You are paranoid about whether the car will break down. You are paranoid about what I do with my penis. Not every time I have reminded you of how paranoid you anything have there actually been happening that you should be paranoid about. Usually it has really just been in your mind. (“Is everything ok Lloyd? Is something happening? You look like something is wrong!”)
Over the last few years I can think of one occasion in particular where I was put in a situation where I had to lie to your face about my secret, and on that occasion I admit that I used the fact that you are paranoid to reassure you. It was the occasion on which you suddenly leapt up from your chair to see what was on my MacBook screen (I was on a dating site), which startled me and put me under immense pressure. I accept that what I did was wrong. But again, I was put under pressure and was desperate to keep a broken relationship going. The turmoil we are going through now only underscores for me that I was right to be so fearful of what was to come.
“I had right to know about your activities to protect myself. Had I known I would never given you unprotected blow-jobs or had unprotected sex with you. Especially since you are so against testing for STDs. Had I known I would probably sooner enter ENM in effort to try to find someone to fill my needs, instead of being sexually and emotionally deprived for years.”
STDs are always a risk when having sex with unknown partners, whether condoms are used or not. (I have never had penetrative sex, or even a blowjob, with anyone else without a condom.) There has only been one occasion where I feared I had an STD, and I went and sought medical attention for it (perhaps you remember). Whenever we have had unprotected sex - on the extremely rare occasions this has happened - I have been confident that my genitals are completely healthy. I would not have pursued sex with you otherwise. I object to you twisting/mischaraterizing my words, saying I am “so against” being tested. Testing for STDs is a much more painful process for men than for women (to my knowledge) but it is something I would be willing to go through if there were a sexual element to our relationship. If there were no sexual element to our relationship, I think it’s unreasonable to expect me to get tested even in cases where I consider myself healthy and even though we’re not having sex and there is no threat to you. That is what I have tried to convey, and that is my position on STD testing.
“It says a lot that I was crying next to you on the ferry from Vis without you even noticing, because there was no true romance or intimacy.”
I don’t remember the exact circumstances, or whether I was dozing or looking at my phone. You keep talking about this and only raise it now as almost a seminal moment in our relationship and the perfect illustration of my inadequacies as a husband. If that is the case I am wondering why you didn’t talk about it at the time and only mention it now as evidence of some profound failure on my part.
It feels very much like you are trying to scrape together evidence against me to suit your case and prove how undesirable I am as a partner. There is a reason I never brought up our sexual incompatibility issues with you, which I’ve put in writing above. I’m struggling to think of your reason for not bringing up the ferry incident with me, which happened months ago, if it was truly the deal-breaker you suggest.
“The issue is being in the room with you and feeling alone. Like your screen is always more important. We mostly talk about the cult and ex-jw stuff. There is so much more in me, in my mind and my passions that you are simply not interested in.”
What you are doing here is raising the fact that I am a workaholic and conflating that with our sexual incompatibility. As I see it they are two completely different issues. You have known for years that I am a workaholic and we have talked about it openly, yet you have persisted with our relationship and been quite happy to reap the dividends of my uneven work-life balance financially. It’s quite manipulative of you to try to merge the two issues in your efforts to muster a case against me and make me feel inadequate.
“There are many times when kids want your attention, and you say you are working but you are just scrolling.”
What you are doing here is speculating a scenario of me shrugging the children away in favor of “just scrolling.” In reality you have no way of knowing that I am “just scrolling” or precisely what I am doing on my computer in those situations. You are again seemingly clawing for a case against me to highlight my inadequacies. The reality is that usually in those instances I genuinely am working or attending to something urgent or requiring concentration. There have also been many occasions where I have stopped doing something urgent or work-related to pick the children up and give them a cuddle or talk to them. But I suppose those instances don’t suit the narrative you are trying to fabricate.
“When your compulsive behaviour starts, you don’t probably notice but you say often to me and now you have started with Jessica “stop being selfish”.”
This is the part where your letter starts to sink into gaslighting, i.e. trying to make me question my sanity. You are not a therapist or mental health professional and you have no credentials based on which you can diagnose me as having “compulsive behaviour.” As you will see above, compulsive behaviors “are actions that are engaged in repeatedly and consistently, despite the fact that they are experienced as aversive or troubling.”
As I have already explained to you, my sexuality is an undeniable part of my physiology but it does not define me or dictate my actions. I can go for long periods (usually once sexually satisfied in some way, whether by myself or by someone else) without even thinking about sex. If I truly had no control over my actions I would have (1) gone to Rijeka when you told me to, (2) had sex with almost anyone while I was in Austin just to “get laid”, (3) not let Javi stay in my hotel room the night he got stranded with his cancelled flight because it was getting in the way of me going out and meeting people (I stayed in the room that night just to avoid him getting a whiff that anything was wrong), or (4) left the house unexpectedly at any point over the last few years because someone online was offering me sex. None of those things have happened because my actions are not being controlled by my sexuality.
I am a sexual being, and my sexuality is not an abomination or something that needs fixing. I know you are enthusiastic about learning about psychology, but I would respectfully suggest you go to the trouble of studying it for years and gaining a diploma before dishing out diagnoses.
“It is not just about how you use your penis, it is all that comes with it.”
I’m afraid that’s exactly what it is. As I’ve already tried telling you: I am the same Lloyd I was over the past several years - the same Lloyd you gushed about in birthday and anniversary cards despite your current efforts to paint me as deeply inadequate over all that time. The most important things in my life are (and always have been) you, the girls, and my work. No matter how you try to blur the issue or confuse me about my behavior and physiology, I am frankly traumatized at the idea that something that makes up such a small (albeit significant and undeniable) fraction of my identity should dictate what happens to the overwhelming majority of who I am and what matters to me. And that small fraction is essentially my penis and what I do with it.
“When I told you on Tuesday that I wanted to tell you few more things before we properly start ENM and one of them is not having women in our cars, you got upset with me because you already made arrangements to pick up Zrinka from Rijeka. Rijeka is the town I originally wanted to be your place for your self care days, but to me you said “I am not driving to fucking Rijeka”. You insisted on Zagreb which I was uncomfortable with.”
We had already started the ENM relationship when the arrangements with Zrinka were made. And let’s be clear: you told me to go away on Wednesday afternoon for my “self-care day.” As I had already mentioned to you, it is not really a self-care day if the activities are being dictated by you. I made it clear I wanted to make my own plans. Nothing in my arrangements with Zrinka contravened what we had already agreed to for the ENM relationship (an agreement you later arbitrarily tore apart after a few hours). Hitting me with a last minute “Oh by the way I have a demand to make about cars” is hardly something I can be blamed for. I’m not clairvoyant, and even if I were I would need to agree to any changes to the agreement.
The Zagreb/Rijeka thing which you attempt to highlight as a double standard is actually just confusing the fact that on this particular occasion I needed to go to Rijeka but when we were first agreeing to the terms of the ENM relationship I refused your demand that I not pursue partners in Zagreb. I never precluded the possibility of going to Rijeka, I just objected to being forced to drive such distances on each and every “self-care day.”
At this point I am wondering why you need to keep blurring the lines and trying to confuse me. It’s actually helpful to see you doing this in writing because at least I can point out the fallacies whereas when you do it verbally it’s harder to remember or prove what was just said. Why do you need to do this? Why do you need to draw false comparisons in support of your arguments? Do you not see the deception and manipulation in this?
“When I told you I am distressed to the point that I stopped eating but will probably vomit when you go off with her, you said you now can’t go, but with anger. You were mad at me.”
I as mad at you because you reneged on a decision we arrived at after days of emotionally draining soul-baring. You went from being giddy like a school girl (“Thank you for setting me free Lloyd” / “I feel like a kid in a candy store”) to scrapping everything. My anger was justified because you effectively wasted both our time and led me along during one of the most stressful periods in my life. You rendered days of emotionally wrenching dialogue meaningless. You also made it impossible to communicate further because you demonstrated that nothing we decide has any actual currency and can be revoked by you at any point according to your whims.
“Off course I would try ENM, but the first instance where I showed hesitance, instead of reassuring me, that it is ok to be scared, all this being so new to me especially after traumatic discovery you were angry with me, because you were looking forward to first time having sex without paying.”
There’s very obvious manipulation and distortion of the facts here, whether you know you are doing it or not. Again, the problem you have this time is that it’s in writing. You obviously didn’t “try ENM” - you baled after just a few hours and without either of us meeting anyone. What you describe as “showing hesitance” I describe as ripping up an agreement we agonized over for days, rendering all communication essentially void and meaningless. Under those circumstances, any frustration on my part was entirely justifiable. And if I were so uninterested in your feelings I would have gone to Rijeka regardless. I didn’t. I cancelled my plans.
“Also a new discovery for me, but I have dimmed myself down for years now that it is no surprise that I haven’t read between the lines what you were saying earlier.”
I can’t be blamed for your failure to grasp what I told you when I was honest with you in our initial conversation. I told you that I had cheated and that I wouldn’t be drawn on any of the details. When you asked where I had cheated, I said “massage parlors.” All of that is entirely true. I have never yet had sex with someone who is not a sex worker, or that I have met through dating apps. You tried to characterize your epiphany that cheating obviously doesn’t preclude penetrative sex as though I had somehow misled you. Again, I fail to fathom how I can be blamed for this or, frankly, what actual difference it makes what orifice is involved during sex.
“My feelings will always come second to yours, and I believe it will happen same with our girls.”
If your feelings came second to mine I would have left years ago. I would never have gone to such lengths to make a dysfunctional arrangement work. I obviously went through all of that because I believed in our relationship - a relationship you only now seem to think has always been deeply undesirable on your side for all the reasons you’re only now listing in order to mount a case against me. And suggesting I care more about myself than the girls is just outright offensive. If I didn’t care about our girls I wouldn’t have been crying last night when I was cuddling them for what will likely be one of the final times in a long while.
“I really need to protect our girls from negativity, as they get older they are smart and will see things.”
I’m sure it’s very convenient for you to make this about the girls. In truth, by detonating our relationship to the point of being misleading and jumping through hoops to mischaracterize me what you are doing is sabotaging their childhood and engineering a situation where they are deprived of their father.
“I love you, I stayed with you for all my love for you, for the good in you. But now I have to start to love myself, for my girls.”
I don’t doubt that you did once love me but given your efforts at manipulation and contorting the facts I am beginning to question this claim.
“Creams and perfumes don’t fix things. Being present and making changes does.”
I have never suggested that creams and perfumes will fix things. I bought you items that you can’t get in Croatia for reasons entirely unconnected to our sexual problems. Again, I didn’t actually cheat in Austin, so I was not trying to buy you something out of guilt as you seem to be implying. As to “being present and making changes” - I have always been present. If anything you seem to be enthusiastically engineering a situation in which I am no longer present.
The “making changes” part I find very telling. Your love is conditional on me changing to suit the more desirable version of me that you have in your mind.
“I don’t want you to “chop your dick off” as you suggested, and I want you to be happy and fulfilled. And if you want to have third family and forget about us and be happy that way that will be your choice.”
You are again plucking words from their context. I fail to understand how this is a productive exercise for you because I can’t so easily be tricked into drawing the conclusions you seek to draw. I wrote the message on WhatsApp last night in my albeit inebriated state to highlight the mental grappling I’ve had over this problem, to the extent of wondering whether it would be worthwhile undergoing a procedure so that my sexuality is either biological stifled or removed from the equation entirely. But as I said in my WhatsApp message, I don’t see that mutilating myself or changing who I am as a person to suit the expectations of others is a realistic or healthy solution.
And I made the point about a third family not to suggest I want one, but to highlight how traumatizing this situation is as someone who has already lost the nuclear family of his childhood through death and shunning on religious grounds (something I can’t help), and now faces losing his second family due to demands over his sexuality (another thing I can’t help). But if you see profit in twisting my words, don’t let me stop you. Just let me be clear - none of this is my “choice” any more than it is my choice for my father to shun me, or my choice to have a penis and desire to use it.
“I have always said and mean it that I will always be your friend and love you and care for you”
You have a very interesting way of showing it at present.
“and your children will always be your children who will need you.”
Under the circumstances I can’t help but interpret this as a veiled attempt at asserting yourself as gatekeeper over my relationship with my children. I don’t need to be reminded of who my children are or how much they need me, thank you.
“Every decision you make is your choice not mine.”
It’s very convenient for you to say this and abnegate yourself from any responsibility over what is happening. Again, I don’t have a choice in how my body works, which is essentially what this is about. I also don’t have a choice if you and I reach an agreement after days of agonizing and then you decide to break it after just a few hours.
“I have tried to tell you that you might have compulsive sexual behaviour that inhibits your focus for weeks, and that it can be addressed with therapy but you are mad at me for even mentioning that it could be a condition for treatment. If it’s not than compulsive than it’s a choice.”
Yes, thanks for the free mental health counseling and diagnosis of my condition. I’ve certainly gotten what I’ve paid for with this gem.
Again, this is gaslighting. I am not crazy. There is nothing wrong with me. My sexuality is not some abomination that needs to be healed, and my actions are not uncontrollable as I have already explained and demonstrated over many years of marriage.
“My choice is to be healthy stable mother for the girls, to put them first.”
That’s an interesting manifesto pledge. I notice your first act in putting the girls first is to orchestrate a situation where they no longer have a father by gaslighting him, twisting his words, and removing the usefulness of any dialogue by going back on decisions that were made after days of it.
“They deserve the best, and I can give them best if I am not being dragged down by your behaviour.”
More manipulation. This is not about my behavior. This is about us not being sexually compatible.
“Announcing we are in ENM to the world will not fix years of lying or emptiness between us.”
I never said it would. And I don’t think that’s the reason you backtracked on the ENM relationship.
“I don’t want a divorce. I want us both to get our healing process done with little distance so we are not getting in each other’s process, and when I have my mind cleared, and you can be honest with yourself and me fully and completely, I can then talk without conflicting thoughts.”
I already am being honest “fully and completely.” I’m not sure you’re in a strong position to lecture on honesty given what you’ve written in this letter. I am not against any healing process and never have been. If you recall, regular counseling was part of my ENM proposal. For someone who doesn’t want a divorce, you sure do seem to be racing towards it having given the alternative just a few hours of trying.
“I know this is not what you want to hear and that you still blame me for all of this.”
I don’t blame you for all of this. It’s not a simple matter of apportioning blame (although you’ve done quite a lot of that in your letter). These are complicated matters involving human sexuality. What I do blame you for is severing our lines of communication by going back on our agreement after just a few hours, gaslighting me over your fixation with “compulsive behaviors”, not listening properly and/or misrepresenting my words on multiple occasions in this very letter just as you have done in conversation.
“I believe in philosophy Esther Parel talks about and I actually prefer non- marriage arrangements (I would have never married if it wasn’t expected from me at the time), but this issue is deeper than just where you put your penis and me ‘being limited by my cult upbringing’.”
I’m skeptical about that. I believe to a large part you are controlled by hang-ups that have been instilled in you by your cult upbringing and societal norms regarding monogamy, but that’s not something I blame you for. I will look into the material from Esther at some point but I am gravely skeptical that we can have a family without having a marriage. I think if I need to move on I will need to move on entirely and not be in some situation where I am holding a candle for a dead relationship. But again, I will try to stay open-minded. Needless to say, I will be skipping any links you send regarding “compulsive behaviors” for the reasons I have outlined, and I respectfully ask you to stop insulting me and trying to gaslight me in this way.
- Written by: Nicolette Delacherois
- Category: Evans History
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Here are a variety of Lloyd Evans related screenshots in no particular order. The reader is invited to make up their own mind on the content of these without outside commentary. Enjoy.